Day 3

Much worse.  But instead of usually staying stuck, I am making efforts to get stuff done.  It is better to feel anger, etc, than numbness. 

I am craving the numbness, but I am feeling the anger, and beneath the anger is the pain that I cannot bear....yet.....but I must face it eventually.....

One the Bright Side....

I may not feel like I have friends that I can open up to, but I do have a lot of things going on in my life which I need to appreciate.

My nanny work with Ella and Joe, and my new babysitting work with glorious Etta :)

May I use part of this evening to plan some of our future outings, playtimes, activities, etc!

Tommorow, Joe and I continue a pick-up baseball game with 3 other adults, and 3 other children.  It was a hit on Monday, and we are so excited for tommorow!

Early in the morn, I get to spend time with Etta.  I really want to relish in our time together, her imaginativeness, the opportunity to interact with her, her kindness, and everything else wonderful about her and her family.  What a brilliant 5 year old!

Depression

It has come to my attention that I am becoming more aware of my depression episodes.  The one started yesterday.  I was in a funk, granted, I wasn't feeling well, was sleep deprived, and was still coming down from seasickness and the side affects of the dramamine.  Despite all that, I sure wasn't doin' too hot.

After work, I am feeling like quite a reject.  Bought candles, bought a pair of used jeans, and returned library stuff.

Then I come home, and my entire fruit and vegstable bowl in the kitchen is empty except for 2 items.  This really set me off!  I texted the person whom I think may have helped herself (she just left on a road trip).

Now I am in my room, I feel like, as usual, that I really don't care about dealing my with mess but I guess the best strategy is to deal with things one by one.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, I don't really think I do.  The only people I could talk to would either tell me things like, "depression is a choice", wouldn't understand, or I just feel like I would be a burden to them.....

How can I be myself with people when I can't even let them know about this side of me.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I just want to deal with the root of things but I don't know how.  The bottom line is that there is deep seated pain, and I want to let this out, via crying, other emotions, and processing everything......