Much worse. But instead of usually staying stuck, I am making efforts to get stuff done. It is better to feel anger, etc, than numbness.
I am craving the numbness, but I am feeling the anger, and beneath the anger is the pain that I cannot bear....yet.....but I must face it eventually.....
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
One the Bright Side....
I may not feel like I have friends that I can open up to, but I do have a lot of things going on in my life which I need to appreciate.
My nanny work with Ella and Joe, and my new babysitting work with glorious Etta :)
May I use part of this evening to plan some of our future outings, playtimes, activities, etc!
Tommorow, Joe and I continue a pick-up baseball game with 3 other adults, and 3 other children. It was a hit on Monday, and we are so excited for tommorow!
Early in the morn, I get to spend time with Etta. I really want to relish in our time together, her imaginativeness, the opportunity to interact with her, her kindness, and everything else wonderful about her and her family. What a brilliant 5 year old!
My nanny work with Ella and Joe, and my new babysitting work with glorious Etta :)
May I use part of this evening to plan some of our future outings, playtimes, activities, etc!
Tommorow, Joe and I continue a pick-up baseball game with 3 other adults, and 3 other children. It was a hit on Monday, and we are so excited for tommorow!
Early in the morn, I get to spend time with Etta. I really want to relish in our time together, her imaginativeness, the opportunity to interact with her, her kindness, and everything else wonderful about her and her family. What a brilliant 5 year old!
Depression
It has come to my attention that I am becoming more aware of my depression episodes. The one started yesterday. I was in a funk, granted, I wasn't feeling well, was sleep deprived, and was still coming down from seasickness and the side affects of the dramamine. Despite all that, I sure wasn't doin' too hot.
After work, I am feeling like quite a reject. Bought candles, bought a pair of used jeans, and returned library stuff.
Then I come home, and my entire fruit and vegstable bowl in the kitchen is empty except for 2 items. This really set me off! I texted the person whom I think may have helped herself (she just left on a road trip).
Now I am in my room, I feel like, as usual, that I really don't care about dealing my with mess but I guess the best strategy is to deal with things one by one.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this, I don't really think I do. The only people I could talk to would either tell me things like, "depression is a choice", wouldn't understand, or I just feel like I would be a burden to them.....
How can I be myself with people when I can't even let them know about this side of me.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I just want to deal with the root of things but I don't know how. The bottom line is that there is deep seated pain, and I want to let this out, via crying, other emotions, and processing everything......
After work, I am feeling like quite a reject. Bought candles, bought a pair of used jeans, and returned library stuff.
Then I come home, and my entire fruit and vegstable bowl in the kitchen is empty except for 2 items. This really set me off! I texted the person whom I think may have helped herself (she just left on a road trip).
Now I am in my room, I feel like, as usual, that I really don't care about dealing my with mess but I guess the best strategy is to deal with things one by one.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this, I don't really think I do. The only people I could talk to would either tell me things like, "depression is a choice", wouldn't understand, or I just feel like I would be a burden to them.....
How can I be myself with people when I can't even let them know about this side of me.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I just want to deal with the root of things but I don't know how. The bottom line is that there is deep seated pain, and I want to let this out, via crying, other emotions, and processing everything......
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Writing a post and ignoring my need for breakfast.....
While one of my friends may tease me, I still think this weekend is extraordinarily windy. It makes me think deeper about the symbolism of wind, winds of change.....all in all, it makes me think something of significance is about to happen.
Your mind might be led to think of some suspenseful movie where the winds outside are causing things to move like gates, swings, windchimes, etc....
Wind provides ability for travel, primarily on the water. In this sense, if you are a sailor, windsurfer, etc, wind is something you look forward to. Also, in these instances, there is no time for mundane chores like sweeping leaves, as they will all be scattered again after any progress is accomplished.
What does God say about wind? I am thinking of the Winds of the Spirit.
Some pastor commented that before anything happens in the spiritual, it takes place first in the natural. So, in a spiritual sense, this should create excitement for someone trusting in God.
And of course, one feels most comforted and safe sometimes inside, in the stillness. So to, let us find rest in the stillness and peace of God.
Earlier this morning, I was on a website for current San Francisco wind trends. Every four seconds or so, the speed or the direction would change. To me, the speed was interesting, not the direction.
But now I am thinking of how easily, and randomly wind changes direction. One cannot predict what it will be in the next moment. The wind outside my window is completely whipping through the trees. To me, it seems like every direction at once.
Obviously the directions do matter to God since they are mentioned in the Bible as in Job where it reads, "I will scatter them as with an EAST wind before the enemy". Maybe each direction symbolises something specific.
I am reading many verses right now which contain the word "wind". It seems that the East wind is not a good thing, and also I am getting a sense that when the wind comes, it is a time for us to be vigilent, watchful, mindful, and sober; just to name a few.
Well, we definately cannot control the wind. But Jesus has power over the wind. He has the power to speak to it, and it is still!
I love this verse in John 3:8, "The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit."
All I can say right now about Revelations 7:1 is "Wow!" "After these things I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, on the sea, or on any tree."
It's facinating to understand what controls and causes the wind be it planetary rotation, air pressure, etc. That is definately something all of us could delve into for scientific understanding.
Your mind might be led to think of some suspenseful movie where the winds outside are causing things to move like gates, swings, windchimes, etc....
Wind provides ability for travel, primarily on the water. In this sense, if you are a sailor, windsurfer, etc, wind is something you look forward to. Also, in these instances, there is no time for mundane chores like sweeping leaves, as they will all be scattered again after any progress is accomplished.
What does God say about wind? I am thinking of the Winds of the Spirit.
Some pastor commented that before anything happens in the spiritual, it takes place first in the natural. So, in a spiritual sense, this should create excitement for someone trusting in God.
And of course, one feels most comforted and safe sometimes inside, in the stillness. So to, let us find rest in the stillness and peace of God.
Earlier this morning, I was on a website for current San Francisco wind trends. Every four seconds or so, the speed or the direction would change. To me, the speed was interesting, not the direction.
But now I am thinking of how easily, and randomly wind changes direction. One cannot predict what it will be in the next moment. The wind outside my window is completely whipping through the trees. To me, it seems like every direction at once.
Obviously the directions do matter to God since they are mentioned in the Bible as in Job where it reads, "I will scatter them as with an EAST wind before the enemy". Maybe each direction symbolises something specific.
I am reading many verses right now which contain the word "wind". It seems that the East wind is not a good thing, and also I am getting a sense that when the wind comes, it is a time for us to be vigilent, watchful, mindful, and sober; just to name a few.
Well, we definately cannot control the wind. But Jesus has power over the wind. He has the power to speak to it, and it is still!
I love this verse in John 3:8, "The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit."
All I can say right now about Revelations 7:1 is "Wow!" "After these things I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, on the sea, or on any tree."
It's facinating to understand what controls and causes the wind be it planetary rotation, air pressure, etc. That is definately something all of us could delve into for scientific understanding.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Coffee in Bed
It's 10:24. I'll be at Joe's house by 11:30 at this rate. At one I'll pick him up at his camp and we'll jet on over to the beach/Chrissy Fields. We'll be bringin' shovels, volleyball, and other stuff. Haven't seen him for two weeks, it'll be good. Supposed to be keepin' a journal, but bloggin' now because it's better than nothin'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
