Trader Joes trip!  Trader Joe's is such a grand experience, and every visit is a pleasant surprise.  And the store I shop at is the original store.

Tonights visit was so delightful, that I would say, it's better than therapy.  First off, I saw some adorable kids, and I mean A-DOR-A-BLE as in, would that family mind adopting me??

Then my checkout guy rocks, because he's so engaging. Our conversation included, but was not limited to: napping extensively, recipes and cooking tips, original restaurant entrees, and Arkansas.

During and before my check-out experience, I felt extra welcomed at Trader Joe's via the friendliness from Mr. ? check out guy.  We exchanged "hi's"and smiles 3 times.  Is he just extra friendly, or was he flirting?  Time will tell......

This visit, after the intention of being a bit more frugal, my bill totaled $77.

My current receipt included:   green beans, broccoli, asparagus, salad dressing, zucchini,  cottage cheese, Orange, Lemons,  Lime, Grapefruit, White Stilton cheese with Apricots from England,   Popcorn and Almonds which I replacing as I swiped it from my sister, fresh lamb, frozen hamburger meat from new zealand, frozen buffalo burgers,  palak paneer frozen indian entrée, prepared chicken curry salad, and a 9 dollar bottle of wine (which I thought was 7, hmm, maybe the tax?)

The Lemons, Asparagus, Broccoli, and Zucchini are organic, adding 4 more dollars to my bill, but what's 4 bucks when it's healthier?  I always hope they are telling the truth. Ya know?

My one splurge every week is the cheese.  Why not try all the Trader Joe's cheeses at least once?

So, I'm home, and my intentions of preparing lunch for tomorrow's workday are waning thin.

Why, because I am running so low on tupperware, excuses, excuses.....

get up early for this?

Who is inspired at the end of the eve to slice and dice any who?

Okee-dokey, off to never never land....

My tummy is not right.....

May we be just as excited for the week to start as we are for the weekend.

Dear God, Help us to be grateful, expectant, optomistic, even if we do have to get up early......

Should I reflect on the weekend, or should I look ahead to Monday instead? 

Thinking about health, exercise, want to do it tommorow morning.

All of our rituals which help us live better take time, commitment, work:  preparing meals, exercising ways which suit us the best,  prioritizing all our tasks.....

It's January 9.  Still early in the year.....a full moon tonight....

Knowing, but not knowing what will happen tommorow.
God, please protect us with your angels, give us wisdom, thank you for all you are and all you do.

Day 3

Much worse.  But instead of usually staying stuck, I am making efforts to get stuff done.  It is better to feel anger, etc, than numbness. 

I am craving the numbness, but I am feeling the anger, and beneath the anger is the pain that I cannot bear....yet.....but I must face it eventually.....

One the Bright Side....

I may not feel like I have friends that I can open up to, but I do have a lot of things going on in my life which I need to appreciate.

My nanny work with Ella and Joe, and my new babysitting work with glorious Etta :)

May I use part of this evening to plan some of our future outings, playtimes, activities, etc!

Tommorow, Joe and I continue a pick-up baseball game with 3 other adults, and 3 other children.  It was a hit on Monday, and we are so excited for tommorow!

Early in the morn, I get to spend time with Etta.  I really want to relish in our time together, her imaginativeness, the opportunity to interact with her, her kindness, and everything else wonderful about her and her family.  What a brilliant 5 year old!

Depression

It has come to my attention that I am becoming more aware of my depression episodes.  The one started yesterday.  I was in a funk, granted, I wasn't feeling well, was sleep deprived, and was still coming down from seasickness and the side affects of the dramamine.  Despite all that, I sure wasn't doin' too hot.

After work, I am feeling like quite a reject.  Bought candles, bought a pair of used jeans, and returned library stuff.

Then I come home, and my entire fruit and vegstable bowl in the kitchen is empty except for 2 items.  This really set me off!  I texted the person whom I think may have helped herself (she just left on a road trip).

Now I am in my room, I feel like, as usual, that I really don't care about dealing my with mess but I guess the best strategy is to deal with things one by one.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, I don't really think I do.  The only people I could talk to would either tell me things like, "depression is a choice", wouldn't understand, or I just feel like I would be a burden to them.....

How can I be myself with people when I can't even let them know about this side of me.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I just want to deal with the root of things but I don't know how.  The bottom line is that there is deep seated pain, and I want to let this out, via crying, other emotions, and processing everything......

Writing a post and ignoring my need for breakfast.....

While one of my friends may tease me, I still think this weekend is extraordinarily windy. It makes me think deeper about the symbolism of wind, winds of change.....all in all, it makes me think something of significance is about to happen.

Your mind might be led to think of some suspenseful movie where the winds outside are causing things to move like gates, swings, windchimes, etc....

Wind provides ability for travel, primarily on the water. In this sense, if you are a sailor, windsurfer, etc, wind is something you look forward to. Also, in these instances, there is no time for mundane chores like sweeping leaves, as they will all be scattered again after any progress is accomplished.

What does God say about wind? I am thinking of the Winds of the Spirit.

Some pastor commented that before anything happens in the spiritual, it takes place first in the natural. So, in a spiritual sense, this should create excitement for someone trusting in God.

And of course, one feels most comforted and safe sometimes inside, in the stillness. So to, let us find rest in the stillness and peace of God.

Earlier this morning, I was on a website for current San Francisco wind trends. Every four seconds or so, the speed or the direction would change. To me, the speed was interesting, not the direction.

But now I am thinking of how easily, and randomly wind changes direction. One cannot predict what it will be in the next moment. The wind outside my window is completely whipping through the trees. To me, it seems like every direction at once.

Obviously the directions do matter to God since they are mentioned in the Bible as in Job where it reads, "I will scatter them as with an EAST wind before the enemy". Maybe each direction symbolises something specific.

I am reading many verses right now which contain the word "wind". It seems that the East wind is not a good thing, and also I am getting a sense that when the wind comes, it is a time for us to be vigilent, watchful, mindful, and sober; just to name a few.

Well, we definately cannot control the wind. But Jesus has power over the wind. He has the power to speak to it, and it is still!

I love this verse in John 3:8, "The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit."

All I can say right now about Revelations 7:1 is "Wow!" "After these things I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, on the sea, or on any tree."

It's facinating to understand what controls and causes the wind be it planetary rotation, air pressure, etc. That is definately something all of us could delve into for scientific understanding.

Coffee in Bed

It's 10:24. I'll be at Joe's house by 11:30 at this rate. At one I'll pick him up at his camp and we'll jet on over to the beach/Chrissy Fields. We'll be bringin' shovels, volleyball, and other stuff. Haven't seen him for two weeks, it'll be good. Supposed to be keepin' a journal, but bloggin' now because it's better than nothin'

Productive and Satisfying Monday

Joe was so sweet today. Often times when we see our favorite subway musicians, we like to support their cause....especially Mr. Banjo Player at Embarcadero station.

Today, Joe asked me, "Can I borrow a dollar from you for the if I pay you back when we get home?" It was so sweet, and when we got home he remembered right away! He even tried to pay me for both the musicians, but I explained to him that one of the dollars was from me.

We got a bonus today because in addition to cute older asian dude with the ancient/traditional chinese violin style instrument, we also listened to two songs from Banjo dude. We love banjo dude, almost as much as I love accordian dude, whom I've yet to see these days, as I think it's been two months.....

Speaking of "dude" I wonder if I can appreciate the Big Lebowski like others do without being under the influence.

Que Sera Sera seems so blase

Gettin' organized to finish up my case with my March injury.

Got all the main records and X-rays two days ago, and now need to tie up all the loose ends.

This will require:

Obtaining a receipt from my accupuncturist, goin' back to St. Mary Phillipa clinic and SF Gen and gettin' all trivial receipts, ie ER and Urgent Care visits.

Need to get to my storage unit for many reasons, but for the most part, to organize it, and then bring home my white table for the sake of organizing all my evidence for the case.

Trying to figure out if a notebook or file system works best.....

On a lighter-side, so excited about day with Joe and Zane tommorow, Friday.

Some cool plans for Saturday, let's see what will pan out. Need to calendar and journal to prioritize...

food is good

Besides having a fractured rib and all the lovely benefits that come with it......
.....life is good!

Got my laundry rollin', finally returning to eating healthy, and eating for that matter.....

Realizing a lot about relationships these days, especially after the incident.

My back is all funkified, I'll have to write again later.....

Dashboard Confessional

Ooh, it's Thursday, a glorious morning, I'm at starbucks in the Marina, and I love it here!

Seeing the interactions going on throughout the morning, seeing the trainers and staff from 24-hour fitness next door, and just watching people taking part in their coffee ritual.

My fractured rib pain impeded any attempts to continue sleeping this morning, so, for the second morning in a row I am up at 7am. Usually I sleep in until 8 or so....

Feelin' like an old lady, I towed my little Container Store wire cart with my old laptop down 3 blocks to the Starbucks.

I yelped, replied to emails, and I'm about to leave to the Verizon Store nearby.
I didn't properly put the cap back on Joe's waterbottle in his backpack yesterday, and I put my cellphone in the same pocket.

I am on Hydrocodone, I think I am saying this wrong. Anyways, I took 2 for the pain this morning, and it took awhile to kick in, but I can really feel it. Makes me a bit spacey, a bit extra alert, I can think of words faster when I write....

People have told me to be careful when I stop. IE, tapering off....
I wonder how long the pain will last. When I wake up in the morning, and at the end of the day, that's when it hurts the most.

First acupuncture treatment in my life this afternoon.

Have to go get the police report, I guess I have to go to city hall.

Need to cancel my gym membership for a month. Maybe I will get into walking a lot, ie Ft Mason and onto North Beach.

Life is good :)

Boomerang

I just arrived home about 12am, and I am once again confronted, to put it mildly, with my clutter.

I think I am going to start a clutter support group, and that is only half in jest....

Babysteps right? But sometimes babysteps go too slow :)

Well, all good intentions have been nullified by the distraction of the internet.

So, goodnight blog-land, and goodnight moon....

Have got to stop wastin' time!

Got up at 6:30 today, wanted to shower, but bathroom was occupied. Waited til 7:30 :(
Maybe I should just get up and go straight to the gym?

So many things are goin' well in my life, but time management is not one!

It's almost 8. I leave at 9:30 for work. I can: get ready, practice piano, and that should do it....

Feel's like a sunday morn...

Saturday, feels great to be up at 7:30 listenin' to some good tunes....heard "Shooting Star" by Bad Company....

I forgot why I wanted to post, but maybe I was under the influence of some great Java!

Would love to start seizin' my weekends, and doin' more/ie anti-lazy, or boring stuff.

We'll speakin' of seizin' the weekend, who can blog this early? The day must go on! It's Sunny, hurray!

Love life!

Empire Strikes Out

What a beautiful lazy morning, and now afternoon....

Lazy in some sense because it's almost 3pm and I haven't left the house, beatiful because it's absolutely gorgeous outside, I was able to sleep in until 10, and I don't have to work until tonight.

It does one no good to assess their to do list, and then do nothing about it :)

In 4 hours I work near North Beach.

I love my roommates, and it was so great spending time with Adriana in the kitchen this morning. Having Ashlita here as a guest is a true blessing....she is strong in character, wise, and solid in her beliefs/faith.

What would Val Kilmer do?

I can't even do anything, it's too late.

The gym and eating healthy sure make a huge difference.

I really wanted to blog more, but now it's so late.

Don't we just all....

want 10 more minutes?

I want 10 more minutes to blog, but I only have 5.

We all want the same things essentially. And those people on the J train this morning. If they have those things that I want, what else do they want? Or what do they now long for after they have attained the first things?

I am very upset about certain commitments. I really want to continuously look for ______ when maybe the best is right in front of my face.....????

On the J train, I love being anonymous amoungst seemingly intriguing people. It is an interesting conglomeration. I admired "Amy's" mascara accentuated eyes and remembered that I neglected to do up my own lashes.

Can one day start off too perfectly? I found the ultimate parking space, on a Tuesday morning. What does that mean for the rest of my day? We'll see. A sign for ?

Lazy no more....

Lay in bed this Monday morning at 9pm as I listened to two of my roommates get ready for work. Rolled out of bed about 9:10 or so, and surfed the net for 30 minutes. Decided that needs to stop, and instead I'll seize the luxury of Monday morning without work that I have been granted to be productive.

First things first, check book balancing and bills....

Went to the Good Magazine party Sunday afternoon, dressed nicely thanks to the lovely dress from my dad, and the very complimentary purse and scarf from Adrianna. Brr, it was a bit chilly, but that didn't stop myself and others from having squirt gun fights outside. I even kept 2 xtra guns in my boots. This was a fine way to pass the time while we waited for our complimentary screen print t-shirts. Other than that, I was quite excited about the quinoa and the grass-fed beef. Is there a future in these companies for me? Or even some with similar missions ie sustainable farming/humane treatment of animals....I hope enthusiasm will catch on and endure as they are very worthy to support....

Inside, it was very nice making small talk with a couple of the non-profits, particularily the neighborhood project, and then besides for a brief session at the video/headphone station I was pretty much a wall flower at my pseudo-security of the Saucony ping-pong section. I played 3 sets total, and finally at the end I walked away with a funky mental saucony water container. (3 games won in a row gets the player some shoes).

Happy to have chatted with Ben, a sous-chef, who's got quite a nice sense of wit, especially his flashdance comments, and although some people were a bit overly toasted, I still admired to scruffy Christian Bale look-a-like, even though he only flirted with me when I was winning :)

Topped off the evening with half of Blazing Saddles with the company of Renee.

What's wrong with my tummy?

How quaint, starting a blog after more than a year? Geez, what happened...?

Why am I so lazy about deleting old voice messages? Can I get a new fone soon?

I have groceries!

Left messages with Stephanie and Amy. Hope they can visit soon. It's nice to feel more like I've found my "nitch" these days. Working more helps.

Will I visit Reno? I want to go tubbing! Miss my guitar....

24 hour fitness, my constant sanity venue, will kick myself if I don't go to the hip hop class. Put it on your calendar!

Lots of singing, but no karaoke. Don't want to be dead-man walking the next day at work. I specifically miss the Thursday one, but I don't have any partners in crime in this arena.

This posting feels like a to-do list.

Excited to discover the Market crossroads. Need to alter a dress I bought, hope they can fix it.
So amazing that they give you top dollar for nice trade ins.

Public Transport with a bike was an experience......Heavy vintage bikes don't make it any easier.
I'll totally fix up Kristie's old bike if it's my frame size. Atleast it's 7 speed or somethin'.

Ekk!

I'm watching a movie that I've had to stop 3 times because it's too intense. Or maybe I am just not in the mood to sit and watch a video. If it weren't for Robert Downey, jr., I wouldn't have rented it :)

I have more than 20 days left of my current job, and I'm soon to be seeking a new job....I should be celebrating and taking advantage of the freedom, but instead I have been sleeping in, watching videos, and taking on cooking experiments....

Atleast I've been going to the gym more....

To post or not post on craigslist....

over and out....